What you resist persists February 25, 2014 – Posted in: Confidence, Personal Development – Tags: coaching, failure, Personal Development, Positive psychology

If there’s one thing unhappy people have in common it’s their resistance to life, as it is, right now.  Those who are unhappy usually idolise the past, bemoan the present and fear the future.   In fact, one of the greatest forms of personal pain is a lack of acceptance because it actually keeps us locked into the very thing that’s hurting us.  Resisting something just makes it bigger and more powerful.  Ask any surfer who falls from an enormous wave.

Here’s another example…

Marie’s boyfriend of a year has just ended their relationship and she is, understandably, devastated and heartbroken.  We all know this kind of pain, right?  Marie spends her days going over and over why their relationship failed asking herself what she did wrong, how she can get him back etc.  She spends her evenings drinking wine to drown out the pain of rejection and loneliness she feels, often spending hours on the phone to her friends analysing her situation.  Marie is, in essence, resisting the reality that her relationship is over and also resisting experiencing the feelings of pain.  And, what does this bring her?  Yep, you guessed it; more pain.

Much as Marie’s response would be deemed normal, I would offer that there’s another way through this painful time.  Marie could, instead, accept that the relationship is over for a reason, that it might not be what she would choose but it IS the reality of her situation.  Resisting the reality doesn’t change it, after all.  Marie could also give herself some time and space to feel the pain and the rejection, maybe writing down her feelings noticing that the act of feeling them diminishes them somewhat.  In doing this, Marie moves from a place of passivity (“this awful thing happened to me’) to one of pro-activity (“I am in pain, what can I do to help myself right now?”).  Marie lives in the moment and slowly her life starts to rebalance.

Please hear me clearly when I say that I understand how hard this is but the truth is that if I resist something I give it more power to hurt me.  As long as we engage in a war with what we crave and what ‘is’, defeat is inevitable…

Email me if this strikes a cord to see if coaching can help you…