Your confidence is your responsibility
In my coaching practice I so often hear people tell me that they lack confidence because of something someone did or said to them in the past. It could be that teacher who told you that you'd amount to nothing. A childhood bully who constantly picked on you at break times. Your hypercritical parent from whom you could never gain approval. Perhaps you were dumped and left broken by an ex-partner. Stop letting your past impact your future, because your confidence is your responsibility.
I'm not saying that these things aren't horrid and that they don't hurt. All of these things shouldn’t have happened but they did.
Don't put all your emotional eggs in other's basket.
When we blame our lack of confidence today on the things from the past then we are still giving power to those people who hurt us. We are guilty of putting all of our emotional eggs in their basket and expecting them to carry those eggs and look after them for us. Now, this is a form of insanity because;
a) These people have proven to us that they are not capable of caring for our emotional eggs and,
b) They don’t even know we have placed this expectation upon them. They are busy living their lives without giving us or our eggs a second thought!
Blaming someone from the past for your lack of confidence today is like blaming last week’s rain on the fact that your sheets are still wet today even though you could’ve brought them in from the washing line and dried them inside.
Here's how you change...
If someone has hurt you and it’s affecting your confidence then you have to decide if you want to keep on living like this. If you don’t then here’s what you can do:
The first step is the decision to stop giving power to people and events in your past. Write this decision down and read it often. Preferably tell someone about it too so you can be accountable.
Secondly, you have to accept that what happened was outside of your control but that you can control how you allow it to affect you going forward. Maybe write a letter of acceptance to yourself about this event.
Thirdly, know that people are only unkind because they are hurting themselves. This doesn’t excuse bad behaviour but it might just help you to forgive them. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve of what they did, just that you stop drinking poison (negative thoughts) and expecting them to die.
Fourthly, make a decision to become self-approving. This means rinsing all the negativity from the past with daily positive affirmations that you repeat to yourself often. Do kind things for yourself. Care for yourself as you would a child, with encouragement and warmth.
Finally, shine your light! Whatever you have to give to this world go and give it with all your energy, enthusiasm and joy. Sod them - those people who’ve lived in your head for so long! Don’t let them and their negativity hold you back any longer. They will think what they will think and say what they will say but you can ignore all of that and LIVE YOUR LIFE.
I know you can do this.
If this takes a round of therapy then do it. Your freedom is on the other side! You can rebuild, you can do esteemable things for yourself, you can be the most authentic version of you and give to this world all that we need from you. Yes you can!
Your life, your confidence and only your responsibility.
